Children of Immigrants: Navigating self-fulfillment within a Collectivist Culture

Written by: Randy Mekdara. LPCC, Lead Clinician of Orange Slice Therapy

Collectivism is a framework that prioritizes the needs, goals, and harmony of the group (family, team, nation, etc.). It is an ideology commonly found in Asia and many other Eastern countries, often described as a “we before me” mentality. In contrast, individualism prioritizes personal autonomy, self-expression, and individual needs, and is often emphasized in Western countries like the United States. Neither approach is inherently right or wrong; rather, each offers a different way for individuals and groups to navigate life. 

However, what happens when these two opposing ideologies clash? This is a question many children of immigrants struggle to answer, particularly those whose parents immigrated to the U.S. in pursuit of a better life. We may find it difficult to express our identity, prioritize ourselves, and pursue self-interest (all inherently individualistic principles) due to our families’ collectivist upbringing. This tension can create internal conflict, often leading to feelings of shame and guilt when prioritizing oneself over the group, especially within the family dynamic. If left unaddressed, these feelings can develop into anxiety, depression, inferiority, and an overall sense of letting both ourselves and our loved ones down.

For many children of immigrants who grew up in collectivist households, we were often taught, whether intentionally or not, to align our actions with the needs of the family. Over time, we may have stopped asking how our actions impacted us and instead focused on how they would impact our family. If our actions aligned with our family’s needs and values, we may have felt less guilty; however, if those actions conflicted with our own personal values and desires, we may not have felt truly satisfied or happy with our decisions. At times, it felt like there was no winning.

In general, we were taught to make decisions with others in mind, whether that be our family, friends, or community. Making decisions solely based on our own wants was not something encouraged in our households. And if we did attempt to prioritize ourselves, we may have been labeled as selfish or inconsiderate. As a result, now as adults, when we try to prioritize ourselves, it can feel uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and even guilt-inducing. So what do we do?

First, let’s take a moment to understand where our families were coming from. Identity exploration and prioritizing ourselves are things we can only really focus on once our basic needs are met (shoutout to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs). It would be incredibly difficult to figure out our favorite hobbies while struggling to put food on the table. However, that was the reality many of our families faced. Many of our parents immigrated to the U.S. with limited resources and had to constantly work just to make ends meet. They were focused on meeting their basic needs, food, clothing, and shelter, which meant they often didn’t have the time or capacity to focus on themselves or their identities. Because of their sacrifices and selflessness, many of us did not have to worry (or worry as much) about these basic needs. This gave us the opportunity to focus more on ourselves and our personal identities. So perhaps it’s not that our parents don’t want us to be happy or expressive, but rather that concepts like self-actualization and personal fulfillment may be unfamiliar to them.

Before we continue, it’s important to acknowledge that there is absolutely nothing wrong with prioritizing others. In fact, I encourage you to continue doing so because it helps foster community and connection. However, consistently pouring into others’ cups without filling your own is not sustainable. Prioritizing yourself helps build a stronger relationship with yourself. It allows you to understand your wants, needs, interests, and passions, and gives you the space to explore who you are and who you want to become. It is an integral part of being a human being. If we grew up in an environment where this wasn’t nurtured but instead discouraged, it can distort our sense of self. Rather than defining our own worth, we may base it on others, measuring it by how “happy” we make those around us. As adults, this can show up as people-pleasing, seeking validation, difficulty saying “no,” or hesitancy to voice our opinions.

When we rely on external validation, things outside our control, our sense of worth becomes unstable. What if that validation never comes? What if our efforts go unappreciated? In contrast, developing an internal sense of self creates a stronger, more stable foundation.

For example: I inherently believe I am a good employee, and therefore don’t need external validation to feel that. So I am more able to say “no” or communicate my boundaries with co-workers, without feeling guilty or that I am letting anyone down.

So how do we begin prioritizing ourselves after years of being taught otherwise?

First, we have to recognize that identity exploration and self-prioritization are journeys, not destinations. They are active choices we make every day, not something we suddenly achieve or become “enlightened” about. Growing up, many of us were raised in goal-oriented environments (get good grades, attend a good school, secure a good job) rather than process-oriented ones (understanding how we got there). However, identity exploration and self-prioritization require us to focus on the process and live in the present.

What does that look like?

It can start with a simple question: What do I want to do?

For much of our lives, we’ve been conditioned to ask, “How will this benefit me?” As a result, if something didn’t offer long-term value, we often avoided it. But simply put, you are allowed to do something because you want to. It doesn’t need to benefit your future or contribute to your success. Wanting to do something is reason enough.Whether it’s learning a new instrument, trying rock climbing, or going out to eat, I encourage you to lean into doing things because you want to do them. This helps strengthen your relationship with yourself and teaches you how to prioritize your own needs. It also challenges the part of your mind that tells you you can’t, or makes you feel guilty for trying. Above all else, doing things for yourself is an act of self-love. It’s showing up for yourself through action and reinforcing the idea that the only reason you need to do something is for yourself.

Though it is hard sometimes, let's show ourselves love, by showing up. Change happens through small, consistent actions. At first, it may feel uncomfortable, but that’s true of most things we try for the first time. You don’t have to feel ready; you just have to start. So here’s a small challenge for both of us: whatever we’ve been hesitating to try, because of fear, anxiety, or uncertainty, we are both going to wake up tomorrow and try. 

Being a child of immigrants comes with unique challenges, but also meaningful strengths. Our upbringing gives us a distinct perspective on how we navigate life. So let’s continue to feel proud of where we come from, while also showing up for ourselves and our communities.

Our families helped instill in us a deep sense of empathy, and because of our parents’ sacrifices, we have the opportunity to pursue fulfillment and purpose. Discovering what that looks like is up to us, and while it may create conflict, working through it builds resilience.

Let’s show up for ourselves in the ways we always needed growing up.